I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
