my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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