Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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