I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
