im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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