I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
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day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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