my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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