my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
3pm strippers are depressing
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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