The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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