He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
