jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
