he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
