My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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