fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
