My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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