I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
