I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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