Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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