I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
