bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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