It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
