Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
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Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
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You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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