I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The convent might be a nice break from real life
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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