I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
