Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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