Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Man, jail baloney is awful.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
