I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
