my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
