She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
