Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize