Where did you get a picture of my penis
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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