When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
