shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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