Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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