I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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