My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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