Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
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Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
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my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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