My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize