don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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