I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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