swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
