Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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