WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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