I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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