I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
