Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
