Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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