There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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