This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
