don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
