Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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