ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
