so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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