One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
