my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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