This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
