Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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