mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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