My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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