my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
