Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
BRING THE BAGELS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
