party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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